Under the surface

Under the surface

Under the surface we all have cracks.  We’re not perfectly existing.  But, we don’t always show those cracks to people who love us or especially to people at work.  I was taught to be positive and not bring other people down with my problems.  And I learned quickly as a kid that I drew the wrong kind of attention to myself if I showed my feelings to my parents or siblings.   There was already a lot of conflict in my home growing up and I wasn’t going to add to it.  I wanted safety and peace as a kid, not more lectures and problems.  It was easier to always appear happy because I was able to keep people at a distance from who I was.  I internalized my feelings inside the wall I built and became my own support system.  No one could hear me because I didn’t give any voice to my feelings.  Except anger.  I was either happy or angry.  But, I never wanted to show anxiety or depression.  If I did, I became even more isolated punishing myself for showing those emotions to anyone.  In fact, sometimes I would cut off friendships that saw my depression or anxiety so that I never had to face them.  Reaching out for professional help meant that I was going to admit I had a problem.  Similar to an alcoholic who never admits to their disease, I never wanted to face mine.

 

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